Torture of the Homunculi
by Ruler of Randomness
Summary: Four of our favorite homunculi are sent to retrieve the ever elusive philospher's stone only to meet up with their greatest challenge yet: a little girl and her spork. Rated T for randomness, Gluttony's stomache, and pink ribbon. One shot.


Torture of the Homunculi

Warning: I, The Ruler of Randomness, am here; that should be warning enough. Also, since Greed isn't on friendly terms with the others, I'll either have to add him in later or edit him out completely (sniff sniff, but I don't wanna do that cuz he's one of my favorites)…yeah…and now the randomness begins. J

Disclaimer: fan fiction me no own

Up till now…

…the homunculi have commenced the destruction of an otherwise peaceful village, and Edward is no where to be seen. The screams of the injured fill the air as they make their way towards the center of the town where, supposedly, a Philosopher's Stone exists. Shifting the rubble aside with his awesome powers of consumption (come on, talk about an iron stomach!) Gluttony clears a path to one of the most…unique…houses any of them had before seen. Upon approaching the door with undefined confidence Lust and Envy open an unlocked door only to see…

…

…

"…why, in the seven levels of Hades, is there a spork inside of an aquarium?" (this is said by Envy, yet another one of my favorites, …hey was anybody else confused about his gender at first? I mean, seriously, he's wearing a skort! And, yes, I am including that later on! …moving along…)

"Because he wouldn't stay offa the couch like my mama said to and so he had to go in time out."

Wrath jumps about a foot in the air and whirls around to see a small girl in pink overalls and pigtails smiling up at him…with what appears to be the Philosopher's Stone hanging from her neck!

"Lust, Lust! The girl's got the stone! Can I eat her Lust, please, let me eat her!"

"Oh very well, go ahead." Lust lazily waves Gluttony towards the girl who is looking utterly baffled at this point.

Carelessly the small girl walks up to Gluttony and starts poking him in the side. "Hey, you're squishy! Lookit! Gooey! Hey, there's a song like that you know; it goes, 'Ooey gooey was a worm-"

"STOP POKING ME!!!!!!!"

Startled the girl stops mid-poke to see Gluttony an interesting shade of red, both Lust and Wrath with looks that obviously say 'I can't believe that just happened', and Envy doubled over and holding his sides laughing.

This leads up to another interesting topic…

"Hey, are you a boy or a girl?"

Now it is Gluttony's time to laugh as the small child begins 'inspecting' Envy who in turn is trying his best to dart behind random things in the room (couches, end tables, lamps, stuffed dodos…) to avoid her pinching him on the legs. "You look like a boy, but you've got long hair and a skirt, so…?"

"I'M A BOY, YOU DOLT!!!"

"…why are you wearing a skirt then?"

"Why you little-"

Wrath had long since grown bored with the lack of destruction and had begun to wander through the house ripping miscellaneous things (grocery lists, pages out of the telephone book, mama's credit cards, life size replica of the Leaning Tower of Pisa…) to shreds.

Envy has begun to chase the small child around the room out of shear anger (you know I really should think of a name for the little girl some time…oh well) and is becoming frustrated at how much effort it is requiring and how much the little girl is seemingly enjoying the attention.

Lust collapses into a nearby chair after witnessing Envy crash into a coffee table, get stuck in said table, and being unable to struggle free as the little girl begins to braid his hair.

It is at this point in which I must remind you of the spork in the aquarium, yes, the spork is now a main character in my story and will assist in the torture of the homunculi along with the unnamed little girl.

Throughout Envy's ordeal Gluttony has been eating things in the room and now all that are left are the chair Lust is now occupying, the coffee table that Envy is trapped in, and the aquarium with the spork. Obviously he would not take away Lust's seat and he had no desire to go anywhere near that pint sized demon in disguise any time in the near future. 'Where had those pink frilly ribbons which she was tying in Envy's hair come from anyway?'

The only remaining option was the spork…yes, the spork…the little girl's most prized possession, her pal through thick and thin, her…never mind, make that 'Gluttony's mid-afternoon snack' instead.

"HEY!"

Gluttony froze, aquarium still in hand and slowly turned around to face his impending doom. There SHE was. Standing there. Looking at him. Envy was now a tangled pink lacey mass. And now was his turn. What should he do? He needed to hide. Where could he hide? THERE WAS NO WHERE TO HIDE BECAUSE HE'D EATEN ALL OF THE BLASTED FURNITURE!

"Have a tea cup."

Lust slaps herself in the forehead from the chair.

"And this piece of paper, and the neighbor's dog, and, oh yeah, my daddy's priceless collection of ancient stamps, and…"

The little girl starts bringing things from only God knows where and gives them to Gluttony to eat. This continues until she brings the coffee table with Envy trapped for Gluttony to consume at which point Lust steps in and saves Envy from certain doom.

"Hey, why'd you take away the girly man?"

This is when an explosion is heard from somewhere in the deepest regions of the house.

"…wasn't there another one of you guys? …I guess he found my secret stash of nuclear war heads…"

"What?!"

Meanwhile…

Wrath has become a charred mass in the middle of the house, surrounded by several obviously dangerous torture devices, a now empty box which reads 'Danger: Nuclear War Head', and several packages of twinkies. "Oww…stupid box…stupid house… … …is that a spork?"

Yes, the all mighty spork had not been vanquished as was previously believed, but was in fact alive and well, and had just made the nuclear war head blow up at an inconvenient time for young Wrath.

Back to the non-mean-whiley-ness (yes, I know that's not a real word)…

"Weeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! Bouncy, bouncy, bounce! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!"

"Little girl, if you wish to remain among the living, stop jumping on top of Gluttony's stomach."

The little girl sat down on top of Gluttony after an especially energetic jump and watched the fat roles subside rolling along his girth. Envy had been momentarily forgotten and was doing his best to unwind himself from the ribbons.

"Now, little girl, where did you get that pretty little necklace?"

The little girl glanced down and then back up at Lust. "I found it." She sent a 'don't even TRY and doubt me' look towards Envy who turned a rather interesting shade of blue.

"Found it? Found it where? I don't have time to play with you; now tell me where you got it." Lust was developing a rather interesting twitch above her left eyebrow as she started to realize the girl wasn't listening to her in the least. "I SAID ANSWER ME, YOU LITTLE MONSTER!!!!"

The little girl looked up from mowing her carpet (don't ask where the mower came from, just go with it) and glared at Lust, and not just an 'I'm ticked off' glare, I mean an 'I'll devour your child while watching the food network and playing Mario' glare. It was at this point that Lust spontaneously combusted.

The little girl sent a brilliant smile towards Gluttony and Envy…at which point both of them fell through conveniently placed dimensional portals directly under there feet. Wrath then collapsed in the doorway with the spork leaning nonchalantly against the wall.

…and so ends the plotless ramblings of the Ruler of Randomness…

Thanks for reading. J


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